Editor's note: The following
is a collection of recent correspondence to Dr. Schmegmo from wine aficionados on topics
ranging far and wide on wine and its attendant culture, etiquette, and enjoyment. It
is offered only as a source of enrichment and information about wine, and in no way should
be construed as an endorsement or affirmation of contrary social norms and behaviors more
commonly addressed by Mafioso or law enforcement figures. Dr. Schmegmo is an endearing
character that I've had the privelege of knowing for the last 20 years. He is as
knowledgeable about food, gambling, blondes, and large caliber hand-guns as anyone I've
ever met, and, I daresay, one of the most competent forgers this side of the Arc
d'Triomphe. I'm not normally given to issuing platitudes unabashedly, yet the cold steel
and dark presence of Schmegmo's associate, Guido, standing next to me inspires me to write
about what a 'gosh-darn-wonderful' guy he is (if you catch my drift!). Without further
ado, I submit the following for your kind consideration.
Don "The Don" White
Our intrepid wine
maven has returned to lend us his wonderful 'bon mots' and insightful opinions on
vinifera, cuisine, and life in general. The
kind Doctor has been rummaging through a vast pile of correspondence he has sorrowfully
neglected in search of urgent wine and food questions, as well as money orders and checks. Without delay, we are pleased to offer you this
latest in Dr. Schmegmo’s advice column, entitled
‘What’cha Wining About!”
Yo, Doc!!
Where ‘ya been? What have you been doing…and, are you a real Doctor?
Sincerely
Charlie Gnarly
Hey, Charlie!!
I’m glad you axed!! I’ve been
away on assignment with the Federal Government for the past one to two years concurrent. But hey! It’s
great to be back and I’m lookin’ forward to communicatin’ wit the folks. Am I a real Doctor you ask. You bet buddy!!
I spent four and a half years at Harvard Medical, interned at Johns Hopkins in
neuro-mapping and cerebral sphygmomatricular cortex disease therapy, and worked briefly at
the Mayo doing the Scan-Analysis thing as a resident research M.D. Um…Sometimes I get sidetracked by the dames,
the ponies, or the crap table – but, by and large, I think I’ve contributed a
bunch to help others - and it is in that same spirit that I offer you my expertise in
wine, food, and other stuff for your enjoyment.
Greetings Doc!
I recently read that since California wines have been heavily grafted throughout
the years to prevent vine diseases, the true nature of the varietals are skewed in a
manner that has techno-morphed them into vague replicas of their true ancient
representations. I would hate to think the
delightful Cal-Ital Sangiovese I had last night was not the true offshoot of its origin. How can I resolve this dilemma? Tell me it isn’t so!!
Earl Muft.
Dear Earl.
"Techno-Morph"!! What the
hell are you talking about? Lissen-up’ pal! Ever
since wine was sold in clay pots people have been jackin’ with it to improve the
flavors. No lie!
What do you think the Roman soldiers were drinking in the old times? I’ll tell ‘ya………Crap!!! Fermentation was a hit or miss thing, and forget
about filtration, or sugar/acid balances. Don’t
even get me started on infectious Botrytis fungi invading a first crush. Oh sure!.. fermented grapes still on the cluster
was the first discovery in Mesopotamia leading to wine, but let me tell you – try it
today and you’ll get buzzed, but you will also get stomach cramps and puke ‘til
your shoes come up. Thank God for pasteurization, stainless steel, brixometers, and oak
barrels. Trust me!! You’re drinking better now than anybody ever
before!!
Sir!
I hope you can settle a bet I have with a friend of mine who happens to be a
sommelier at a very fine restaurant my wife and I frequent.
We’ve often engaged in spirited discussions about the best harvest years for
French wines. However, I’m afraid we’ve gotten off on the wrong track by arguing
which year and vineyard produced the worst wine ever.
He produced a 1989 Lagrange Pomerol which was absolutely insipid and
undistinguished. I countered with a ’91
Chateauneuf-du-Pape, Clos du Calvavaire Blanc - which was tremendously horrid. He parried and thrust with an ’88 Gilles Barge
Cote Rotie which was colossally shallow and musty. This
has been going on for months and now I’m spending good money and time looking for the
worst wines in which to best him. I recently
found a bottle of ’88 Clos d’Eglise
Pomerol, which is stupendously vapid and inane and I think I just might him over ‘a
barrel’… What do you think?
Best Wishes
Arthur Trebouchet\
CEO – ENSEKT Software.
Arthur!
You guys are ‘wack!!’ Good
money for bad wine?? In my opinion, the worst
wine in the world is a fabulous wine you don’t share with friends.
Kind Sir,
I have enjoyed your column for many years. Perhaps
you might help me in a curious situation I find myself in lately. I have always entertained guests and friends with
the utmost delicacy and decorum, and I have paid most careful attention to food and wines
and other accoutrements in order to present a casual, yet stylish manner of living. My joy is in seeing my guests and friends fully
enchanted with my efforts at the end of the evening. I’m
afraid that soon my situation of gracious living will change, and I, mayhaps, will find
myself in a most indelicate location where I might not be able to entertain a status of
peers which whom I am accustomed. Is there any
advice you might afford a poor downtrodden soul like me?
Most Graciously,
Martha Stewart
Dear Martha!
Whew...okay! Here’s
what’s up. Get in tight with your
Matrons, I mean, your hostesses. Get the
‘make-overs’ going and make sure you get kitchen duty. After all, that is you
forte. Make them look pretty and feed them
good, which is gonna’ be tough since everything is turkey meat and macaroni in the
joint…I mean, resort. This ain’t the
time to feel bad about yourself. Keep that
smile goin’ and don’t forget to make your cell - I mean, apartment tidy and
nice. Believe me, any yard weed, or bloom will brighten up any place. Keep your hands to yourself, especially in the
showers. Don’t ask to see the wine list
at dinnertime, and whatever you do, don’t ask for work in the garden. You’ll be digging deep, six-foot rectangular
holes all day long. Good luck at camp, and let
me know when you’re out amongst us others.
Brother Schmegmo.
I am aware or your impervious disdain to ancient wine making. It’s true, methods may have been crude and
boorish back then, but I must remind you that Jesus turned water into wine at the wedding
at Canaan. I understand the attendees
enthusiastically received the wine. How then
do you reconcile our Lord’s first miracle with your assertion that pre-medieval wine
craft was mediocre and pedestrian in light of this new eschatological revelation?
Yours In Christ,
Fr. Leo Prink A.S.J.D.D.D.S.
Dear Father!
You are right! God bless you! Turning
brackish water into a passably palatable wine would not have been much of a miracle for
the Son of Man – however, recent archeo-biblio excavations have revealed the true
nature of the water-into-wine mystery. It is
even more stupendous to comprehend than ever. You
see, Father – the real miracle Jesus performed that day was to turn barely potable
water into an 1836 Chateau Lafite-Rothschild Bordeaux.
Now that was a crowd pleaser!!…or so I’m told. A few bottles exist today for about $60,000 a pop,
if you care to join in on the wedding festivities.
Ciao, for now!!
(Editors note) Dr. Schmegmo
is a sporadic contributor to this site apart from his duties as surgeon, vinyl siding
contractor, and motivational speaker for the mob. He
welcomes all inquiries about food, wine and firearms graciously. The 54 year old raconteur, connoisseur, and
man-about-town maintains that the success of his 25 year marriage to his wife is due to
quiet evenings with good food, music, and wine with some bimbo from a strip club. Dr Schmegmo is a ‘nome-du-plume’, as we are prohibited from
revealing his true identity due to the ‘Witness –Protection –Act’. Feel free to write to him in care of this
site………or else.
Editor's Note: Dr Schmegmo is indeed available to answer
(seriously, LOL!) your wine queries at the Yahoo! National Wine UnClub
discussion site. Join us there for the fun!
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